Standing alone cold and raw
I saw yesterday falling away
From the edges of my mind.
Was that someone elses dream
Or one I,d left behind?
I no longer know nor do I care
For there are new realities to find.
Right now is where I face today
Today is all!
Memories are yesterday,s dreams,
Each one still seen
As we wished it might have been,
Worshipped in a sacred shrine.
Now as I brush the past away
I’ll make each tomorrow mine.

Swallows dive and soar above the beach
Across the sea
Then banking, swoop back to their retreat
In a corner of my balcony.
From there I gaze down to the palm-fringed quay
Listening to bells tinkle
From the top of tapering masts.
Waves nudge the hulls of yachts
Then pass to shore.
Out in the bay the fishermen
Cast their nets and pray.
I stroll along the Avenida De Espana
Basking in November sun,
Pause to admire delicate blue jacaranda
Suspended swaying in the garden
Of the villa Alessandra.
At a bar along the beach
An English paper says that
Rivers back at home are overflowing.
The forecast threatens
That it will soon be showing.
I relax content now it’s done
I’m retired !
Realising my cherished dream
Wintering in the Spanish sun

Earthed

Digging up the dandelions and dock leaves

my mind begins to clear of clutter

so that seeds of inspiration

can start to germinate,

then as I stand and stretch my back

to ease the aching, I notice

ideas like tiny shoots are sprouting

tender, green and full of promise:

some, probably the strongest,

are definitely weeds, but others

bear promise of that heady mix

of beauty and summer’s bounty.

Soaring

On some days

happiness wells up

unexpectedly;

it warms me more

than sunshine

or hot showers, swells

my heart as it pours out

in sparkling torrents

like a skylark’s song

whenever I open

my mouth.

On those rare days

all that limits my

enjoyment of the world

is that I haven’t got

a tail to wag or even

a deep-throated

purr to share,

so I look up

to search the sky

for the flying gratitude

that’s up there somewhere

against the blue,

singing his tiny heart out,

unable to pause

till all the world

has heard his song

and registered

his joy.

It’s grey clouds

piled together,

like a thick, threatening pillow.

And black sky,

burping thunder.

It’s a swarm of youth;

dark hoods and hard tongues

buzzing playfully

like locusts,

Under a willow tree.

It’s sodden grass

under feet

and porridge mud

with thick toffee skin.

It’s the moon above me,

yellow, thick, and throbbing,

like sky’s blister.

It’s rusty chains

and green poles

that creak.

And feet becoming wings

which launch me.

It’s a haunting sky.

Feral hair

whipping rain in lashes

on my face

and falling into thunder

feet first.

It’s leaving earth.

Becoming black clouds

and mist.

And For one moment,

It’s feeling big.

It’s letting go,

It’s jumping.

And landing in a pile of legs

and grazed skin

and smiles.

It’s conquering again

I feel better when I am;

Stress Free

Sitting in the sun

not thinking what to say:

nothing urgent pending:

It is a lovely day.

By Frances Smith

I feel better when I am:

Awaiting the warm rising sun in

the cool end of the night; sweet

singing sparrows, blackbirds and

pigeon owls caress my shoulders

drawing my eyes to the tree tops

dangling in mackerel blue;

Sweet scents; of suckling honey and

lily white jasmine with wafts of dewy

fresh hay like velvet in my nostrils;

fresh love in my lungs igniting the

nucleus of my being with every breath

deeper and deeper into my soul

lighting faith and grace with

joy and energy for life:

Good Morning.

By Frances Smith

Yes to sunset on the sea
Painting a path towards my feet
Sweet as the ocean bathes the sun
We can find a way to love

Thanks for the rhythm and the song
Thanks for the cycle carries on
I’ve got sweet music in my ears
As the moon again appears

Yes to feeling. Yes to pain
I will suffer love again
Sleep on healing wings of peace
Rise with a heart that still believes

There is only this time
And so the cycle carries on
There is nothing but now
I am the rhythm and the song

Yes to children in this world
They don’t know of hate and war
Pray for the gift of lasting innocence
Pray for the bread of love’s endurance

Let my heart give sad lament
When the growing tree is bent
By the winds of man’s ignorance
They don’t know what they’re against

Sing for the souls that we have known
Those who make the skies their home
Thanks for the ones who say I love you
Praise to the One who made us new

There is only this time
And so the cycle carries on
There is nothing but now
I am the rhythm and the song

I bless the morning of my birth
Thanks for the living on this earth
I bless the breath that I have drawn
Thanks for the coming of the dawn

Look to the ones who love me too
Thanks for the old and for the new
For there is nothing but this time
Thanks for the Love that never dies

There is only this time

There is nothing but now

have you ever watched the sea at night?

huge crashing waves leap and tear at the shore,

the moon casts her ghostly sheen

and the waves carve a mean silhouette against the dark

as the world spins

and the ocean swallows your soul.

but in the morning, with the sunrise, there is calm.

the leaping beasts that roared from within

are quiet.

the light bathes the waves with its warmth

easing, soothing

until their cries are the seagulls in the dawn.

Snowed in, 10 feet deep, with a fridge full of food,
Coal and wood a-plenty, five days and nights
of stillness.

Penniless, with the hot sun beating down balmy,
need nothing! Everything – in this moment – is perfect,
priceless freedom.

Alone, without thoughts of the past,
or thoughts for the future, breathing, steadily
free from fear.

I feel better when I am in your protecting arms,
My tears of sadness turn to tears of joy,
And that unspoken bond of love,
Fills our hearts and minds.

I am Accepted; I am Loved; I feel Wanted.

I feel better when my mind ceases the cruel games it plays,
Achieving serenity and peace in meditation.

I thank God for the caring souls of the medical profession,
Who’s diligent and selfless duties,
Strengthen and assure my ongoing recovery.

When the treatment is sound and the medications work,
I’m grateful, I’m thankful,
At last I’m content.

When the darkness of nightmares or the sting of insomnia,
Is lifted, is abated,
Through careful self-help.

So this is how I live,
One day at a time,
I feel better,
With you by my side.

So this is how I live,
Being thankful for life,
Respecting myself; Loving myself; Forgiving mistakes,
Positively Thinking.

And to those who only see the illness; the diagnosis,
I say:
Walk in my shoes, if only for a day,
I hurt like you hurt and bleed like you bleed,
We feel better, when we learn to care for one-another.

Richard Proffitt. 2015.

The earth was dreaming about a moon not yet
born, when I entered its dream as a ghost
with the moon in my eyes in silhouette
held by the creator who joins me to toast
the birth of a new moon that dreams of a
sun collapsing. The earth, moon and sun dream
in unison giving me form, I whistle
forever sounds of fire dying, embers teem,
welding an impulse within the progeny.
Paintings and compositions allude in
multitude to resurrection. Adroitly
the creator completes his masterpiece, herein
a man on a cross. I will bring my progeny
to fruition and amend an impulse eternally.

“I feel better when I am…”

It begs a thousand endings.

The romantic: “…with my beloved”

The practical: “…fed and warm”

The humorous: “…probably not a newt”

The holy: “…struck far reeling by zip-crunch-sting of frost on my feet and night on my teeth and the stars and the stars and the stars and the-“

The start can also be a complete sentence.

“i feel better when i AM”, you see,

when I am me and my self is brewed strong hot and in the world,

when the ghost world (doubting) leaves no worse footsteps then, oh, THEN…

I am.

Do you see?

The me I am

and how much better that feels?

There’s an end tucked in there too.

(after the fretting and restringing)

(the mistaken misshapen missteppings)

(the whithers/ whethers/ whatevers all noise and gasping no i no see)

Therein lies a neat universe, coiled.

There, the sleek contented arrival at journey’s root:

“i FEEL, better, when i am”.

I feel, alive (breathe)

I feel, strong (eat)

I feel, deep (drink)

For one breakout heartbeat, under sky, over earth, I…

I feel… more than Before.

I feel… more than Ever.

(and love)

(Love)

Love

LOVE

Home is where the heart is, they say,

They who are not me or you or anyone we know

Yet I think they got it right, just a little right this time.

Home is where the hearth is, you say, joking,

While the flames lick warm orange around us

And I think there must, there surely must be magic in these slippers.

Home is where the heart’s hearth smoulders.

That space where you curl up, a sleepy comma on my chest,

While I think, “ach there’s no place, there is no place so sweet”

Everything apart from

The kitchen sink
Going home taking what I own
I’ll put my arms around
Whoever I please
My own set of keys
I’ll go out whenever I choose
Won’t make the news
I might go to the offy
Or stay in drinking coffee
You know what’s best for me
So do I
But it’s up to me
It’s actually harder
Being free than inside
And trying to be kind
To the gym to unwind
Find the missing link to rethink
Or to mind to confined

I’ve got to get it off my chest

I tried my best
I did everything that was
Asked of me
I planted trees
I recycled
I learnt about disciples
I went to church
Never left my family
In the lurch
Played cleaned
I redeemed
Why was I treated bad
Was it pay back
Or tit for tat
But now people are
Treating me better
Smiling at me
I’m free
If all is forgiven
I won’t stay in oblivion
One good turn deserves another
These years are no tougher
Chuckling because now were not suffering

The joy that she feels through beings unseen,

So calm and at peace so flawlessly serene.

When life draws the curtains but the light disappears,

Things seem perplexing and in creep the fears.

Wings start to appear though not in physical form,

But in the light of her eyes the beauty after the storm.

The feeling of comfort just by knowing she is near,

The joy that I feel just because you are here.

Secrets

Are you glad to be here on this earthly sphere
Do you gaze at the moon in the galaxy
And wonder sometimes what’s really out there
Why we see stars that are light years away

When you look inside what is it you find
Does nature or magic ignite the fire
Set neurons dancing around in your mind
Connecting your thoughts wire to wire

I feel better when I sing Hallelujah
I feel better when you sit next to me
I feel better when we stand together
That’s when I know I will always be free

Where do you go when you don’t understand
Why certain things happen beyond your control
Truth won’t make you any less of a man
Tell me your secrets I’ll show you my soul

I feel better when I sing Hallelujah
I feel better when you sit next to me
I feel better when we stand together
That’s when I know I will always be free

Do you hide in some mythical palace
Write down your dreams in invisible ink
Walk by the sea with your dog at sunrise
Strum your guitar till the healing begins

I feel better when I sing Hallelujah
I feel better when you sit next to me
I feel better when we stand together
That’s when I know I will always be free

achieving goals

receiving awards

sense of belonging

words of healing

creative writing

arts and crafts

painting rainbows

thats what makes me feel better

I feel better when I believe in me.

It’s all about the story I decide to be.

When I’ve defrosted out of ice and snow.

When the grey ceiling is not so low.

I don’t know what causes it, I don’t know the trigger.

But sometimes the good things start to get bigger.

I can feel the sun and hear my friends.

Motivation and action lead to ends.

Things begin to work in the way that they wouldn’t.

I want to do things I used to feel like I shouldn’t.

The story you tell yourself is understood.

If you delude yourself make it something good.

Belonging

What am I but a mere visitor

To here

Of Portland’s such as these

Algarcerias, Castellar de La Frontera, A Coruña, Aberdeen

No matter where both feet wander

Whatever given trodden path

Surprisingly it all becomes more apparent

That, at times, my belonging appears false

A stranger amongst people

A stranger threading water in ones own gene pool

Occasionally happening upon a glimmer or a flicker

Of self knowing in others

Quickly fading into the abyss

A solitary moment of short lived peace

Dissipates

Surrounded by and sitting in a golden shaft of soft setting sunlight

In a wondrous Andalusian autumnal garden

Gazing through a brilliant blaze

To watch it crackle and spit various flamed tongues from the heaped up stack of dried detritus

My ears attune to a grazing melody of cattle bells

Tinkling pleasure notes soothing unease

Fist sized birds roosting

Chattering and chirping their flock’s tale

Curious dogs bark a lizard into hiding

A pack of three

Excitedly sniffing and whining an ancient hunter’s cry

Whilst a sister and brother

Breath together

An aged old practice

A whisper

Sleeping siesta

I breath

A belonging

I feel better when I am..

Standing in my power

Sharing my

Eating vegetables

Walking in nature

I feel better When I Am

racing to meet you at the café,
to share hot chocolate and soufflé,

a gold medallist in the ten thousand,
the singer in the latest boy band.

at home with my mother and father
or even my annoying sister and brother.

dancing on the dance floor
or climbing the highest sky walker.

reading all the Harry Potter books again,
queuing for the best ice cream,

jumping on my big brass bed,
doing arithmetic in my head.

looking forward to the next day,
remembering fondly yesterday

jumping out with my first parachute,
what a laugh, what a hoot.

building sand castles in the air,
playing with the curls of your hair,

holding you close when you’re afraid
giving you a gift that I have made.

hanging out with my best friends
swopping downloads just for lends.

drawing smilies in my copy book
just to get you to take a look

or texting you a good night’s kiss
wishing you a life like this

Hands Poem

Your marshmallow hands,
squishy talcum powder hands.
Your closed crab claw hands,
your tiny ten times smaller
pink hands saucered in my palm.
Smooth young unscratched,
unblemished skin, fingers curled,
hanging on hands.

Your dinky pinkies, your gooey
jelly baby hands, cotton wool
balls of hands, fluffy rabbit paws,
soft cream, ice cream hands,
clasping ,clutching, cosseted, closed
in mine, warm as dumplings hands.
Teeny weeny huggy bear hands,
precious to us both hands..

Gifts from The Group

You have given me;

Stars on a cloudy night

By which to find my way.

A gentle breeze upon slackened sails

During my personal doldrums.

You have given me;

The excruciating pain of shared laughter

Vibrating against a shattered rib cage.

Flash floods generated by healing tears,

by love, compassion and by friendship –

All falling too fast for my parched soul.

You have painted a rainbow

On my frozen desert skies.

Put air into my aching lungs

And placed Hope on the far horizon –

Some one hold me tight please,

Tell me it’s not a mirage.

Ali Heard

There is Another Land

There is another land where the waters run clear and deep,

Where the air vibrates- brushing everything clean.

This land is carved from hugs, from warmth and smiles,

From our hopes and our joys.

This land is made for living, for sharing and giving,

For sensual touch and for love.

This land draws forth strength, compassion and vitality,

Draws forth our laughter and our sighs.

This land pulsates with life, with emotions and feelings,

Pulsates with you and with me.

This land reflects in the still waters, in our faces and in our hearts,

Reflects in the night sky and in our eyes.

It is a land where we can all belong,

For it is born out of the wholeness of a friendship true.

      Ali Heard

Do you remember that summer?

Together in Corsica

We drove the winding roads

Through the coral sunbeat mountains

To the coast of Cargèse.

I’ll never forget the beach

Where we laughed together for hours

On that peaceful afternoon.

We were the only ones

Lying there

You, me, mam and pap

And oh how we laughed at her – a mummy

Wrapped like that, in her cream pashmina

Hiding from grains that danced with the wind

And at him

For, well… just being him

In those shorts and with that hat

Do you remember?

Running on the warm sand with me

To where the little boats lay tired and thirsty

We sat on their edge

Drawing stars in the sand with our toes

And we left them there

As a thank you note for the night sky

For always being there to wish upon

So when I need to, I go back there

Back to Corsica

With you

Between the mountains and the sea

Dancing on those little boats

Where all that mattered was just to be

I feel better when I am… me…

And shout it from rooftops in a decree

Ahoy over there – I’m just me!

I’m peaceful and happy and oh so calm

Especially on a beach under a palm.

Smell the sea air and hear the soft waves

To be in the sun is what my heart craves.

On UK soil I do love it still

Standing on top of big Hampstead Hill

Or taking a walk round London’s Soho

What an adventure watching people rush to and fro.

Sipping my latte, mocha or tea;

There’s nothing like feeling that my heart is free.

Free to explore the wold that is mine

And knowing my place in this world is of my design

I feel better when I am… (an eagle).

An eagle does not belong in a cage and it’s not for me,

Let me out of the 9-5, that’s my plea!

To soar above the trees and the hills;

Without the care of green dollar bills.

To strike at a target with power, focus and fervour

Not to be just the grey office server…

of tea and coffee, “ one lump or two?”

It’s a waste of my talent, they haven’t a clue!

It’s up to me to release my chains,

…to show the world, that I too have brains!

It’s my fault really, I’ve stayed for too long!

I’ve stifled the call of my bird song.

That’s now behind and the future beckons,

No longer do I accept any sloppy seconds.

I now live life with hope, wonder and a dream;

All of this with a love supreme,

…to take a great photo and make money too,

But most of all to make my heart true,

True to the eagle and pioneer

To push on through ‘cos my dream is clear.

I will try hard to…

Say ‘No’ to others

Not get involved in other peoples or ‘the worlds’ dilemmas and situations

I will be the watcher

I will let it happen at a distance

I will continue to construct ‘my’ very own safe space!

I feel better when I can

So here’s the plan…

I will try hard to…”

Start a new Chapter.

I will accept what has happened

I will not waste precious life energy worrying, predicting the ‘now’

Or putting right the past!

I will not think, say

I am stupid, worthless, mad, a loony or not worthy of others medical time and support-or even a nuisance!

I feel better when I can

So here’s the plan…

I Will try hard to…”

Bring complete attention, acceptance and trust to the present experience,

Be accepting of how it is now, on a moment-to-moment basis

BUT this is not always easy in my world

I can’t always agree to this!

I WILL feel better when I can

Gather up my shattered, scattered dreams

I will put together a life I truly love!

I will not feel guilty but continue to learn how to be kind to myself.

This is a much better use of my time and breath…

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction,

Even a tip toe if it helps,

Will end up being the

BIGGEST, MOST HONEST and IMPORTANT

Step of your life…

But take that step!!

I did!

So here’s my plan…

If I hadn’t taken that tiny step or chosen to ‘tell all’, trust a very dedicated professional and very special individual…

A person I have been able to cry buckets in front of

Told things I am not proud of

BUT learned to laugh a lot along the way with to J

Someone who knew how to nurture and re programme me

Even if has taken ‘ANOTHER’ week longer

When I say ‘how’ again!!!!! Or what’s the plan..?

He has given me the tools and tool box to go it alone,

If I hadn’t had access to him then you wouldn’t be reading this now,

The start of my fourth chance at LIFE!

I will stand again

I’ll  feel better when I can

A calm sea breeze

When the waves brush the sand

A smile from a stranger

A friend’s helping hand

A sky sewn with stars

On a clear winter’s evening

A walk along an open road

A letter full of meaning

A pocket firmly lined with dreams

When things are getting tough

A dose of great music

To smooth out all the rough

A view from the mountain top

When the climb’s been steep

All happy moments

Forever yours to keep

As the rain falls down the windows

A thousand fragile tears

Slipping uncontrollably

Painting a tangible picture

With their familiar words

I look out to sea

The sun sits faintly on the horizon

It’s nature’s way of telling me

That it will all be ok

She comes tap-tapping at my door
And oh how my heart does soar
As when I approach to let her in
Her tail lifts in grateful greeting.

Then in she pads, so full of grace,
Meowing until I lift her to my face
And plant a kiss upon her head
When she’ll start to purr instead.

Gently I place her back down
And now she wants to play the clown,
Rolling over and weaving around my legs
– Come on, give me more fuss, she begs.

Eventually she settles on my knee,
Vibrating away contentedly;
I talk to her softly about my troubles,
Them drifting off in paw shaped bubbles.

I will try hard to…

Say ‘No’ to others

Not get involved in other peoples or ‘the worlds’ dilemmas and situations

I will be the watcher

I will let it happen at a distance

I will continue to construct ‘my’ very own safe space!

I feel better when I can

So here’s the plan…

I will try hard to…”

Start a new Chapter.

I will accept what has happened

I will not waste precious life energy worrying, predicting the ‘now’

Or putting right the past!

I will not think, say

I am stupid, worthless, mad, a loony or not worthy of others medical time and support-or even a nuisance!

I feel better when I can

So here’s the plan…

I Will try hard to…”

Bring complete attention, acceptance and trust to the present experience,

Be accepting of how it is now, on a moment-to-moment basis

BUT this is not always easy in my world

I can’t always agree to this!

I WILL feel better when I can

Gather up my shattered, scattered dreams

I will put together a life I truly love!

I will not feel guilty but continue to learn how to be kind to myself.

This is a much better use of my time and breath…

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction,

Even a tip toe if it helps,

Will end up being the

BIGGEST, MOST HONEST and IMPORTANT

Step of your life…

But take that step!!

I did!

So here’s my plan…

If I hadn’t taken that tiny step or chosen to ‘tell all’, trust a very dedicated professional and very special individual…

A person I have been able to cry buckets in front of

Told things I am not proud of

BUT learned to laugh a lot along the way with to J

Someone who knew how to nurture and re programme me

Even if has taken ‘ANOTHER’ week longer

When I say ‘how’ again!!!!! Or what’s the plan..?

He has given me the tools and tool box to go it alone,

If I hadn’t had access to him then you wouldn’t be reading this now,

The start of my fourth chance at LIFE!

I will stand again

I feel better when I can

Where Ever Your Life Takes You

Whatever path you take in LiFe, Where Ever you have been,
Whatever you have done, May you Know, that it was you that was here;
That Lived those days,
That cried those tears,
That, in your own way, you did what you had to,
To LiVe, To Dream,
To Survive and Fulfil your Needs,
Your Goals, Your Wishes.

May you look back and Live with Empathy and also Understanding,
Towards yourself and hopefully others,
That the time you have spent here had meaning, at least to you,
That the days that have passed were sometimes good,
And somehow sometimes made up for all the bad,
That in the end, you know who you were, at least within Heart and yourself,
And that the choices you made, were made because of where you were then,
And because of who you were becoming.

So, Where Ever your LiFe takes you,
Where ever you path does lead;
Let it be you,
Let it be you who really decides which cross-roads to turn,
And if you have no choice,
At least then, Let it be you who lives within your Heart,
Smiles those smiles, cry’s those tears,
And then, at least;

Within Your Own Mind;

Knows you You Are.

The Beautiful Pain

You Felt, you Cried, you Embraced the Pain of the World.
You saw, how others felt and struggled, lived and died;
Then in your Heart, a Glow did Spark,
The Pain was so much, too much to bare.

Deep, deep connection to the Suffering of Life,
And in a magical moment something magnificent happened.
A Great Cry was Heard, No More No More,
And with that pain, you Transformed it into something so Beautiful,
Something so Real, something so Heartfelt and Profound.

You took that Pain, and by God did you feel it,
Yet, you did not turn it upon others,
You did not force others to feel this pain that you so felt.
Yet, instead, you Transformed it,
Condensed it together and turned it into Love. Higher love.

This Pain became a Rage, and the rage became a Devotion,
A longing, a commitment, a Whole Soul Felt decision to no longer be part,
To no longer create or spread this hurt any further,
To no longer be part of this pain-giving World.

So instead, you sawt to be a vessel, a vehicle of Love, of Kindness,
Compassion and Understanding,
So, you could not be part of a messed up human world and society,
So you would not add and contribute to all the suffering and fierce hurt,
That Life does so often bring.
So you could spread the Light of Kindness into the Hearts of All you came across.

And Why?
Because you saw, you felt, you knew, you Understood,

Their, your own, this Worlds;
Beautiful Pain.

Lightwood`s fire

In the height of summer

I sat under the mighty beech

with a warm breeze

stroking the lush ferns

and dispensing light relief

from the walk up.

Sitting on the stone surrounding the fire

I remind myself

of the age of the place

and my inconsequential nature

that feeling you get

when you are pleased to be alive

and take no living thing for granted.

My Buxton friends say this is a place

for wild camping; I trust them for their word.

The bridge in need of repair as it falls into the stream

the derelict old pump outhouse deeper into the valley.

A reservoir as once was, a place to escape the bustle now.

These images are for sketches, I have only words.

I fell for this place, though didn’t make it to the peak,

for the next trip for sure.

John Yates August 2014

Across the Leam from Mill Gardens

The clock drips from the parish church.

As I cross the bridge

to Jephson Gardens

it is early February

and the pigeons remain unfed by council decree.

“Mind your head”

the entrance to the underpass reads

the only piece of graffiti left in this oh so heavenly place.

Mothers walk their babies

this as every morning in Royal Leamington Spa.

Operatives tend the grounds

to ill- afford the prices in this town so high.

“A Lady with dirty petticoats” alongside Edinburgh

once described, a fairytale town with Cinderella absent,

a beauty with a mole or two.

But, did Victoria with all her majesty foresee

that behind all the façades and the remnants of imperial glory

lingers young people robbing the well-heeled for the next hit?

Leamington, my home, that saved me a spiral downwards……

Now I rise ever mindful of the pitfalls, ever mindful of knowing my position

in the order of things.

John Yates 2014

Imagine
If I were different
If I were better
If I were mended

Imagine
If I were stable
Able
To cope
All the time

Imagine that

Imaginary friends
Defriended

Image Consciousness
Gone and unashamed

Imagined Voices
Silenced

Imagine that

I’d hardly be me though, would I?
I’m me.
I’m who I want to be.
I’m trying.
I’m asking for help when I need it.
And I’m … (dare I say it)… happy with that.

Reaching you is like nectar,

inky shade quenches my tired skin.

Eyes adjust beneath your shelter.

Am I outside looking to

pink sun-drenched horizons?

Or maybe inside breathing roots –

finding power from your darkness

strength from your fruit.

Knowing as I lean, you’ll take the strain,

whispering prayers to the sky.

As I emerge, you remain

a silhouette, a sigh.

Your shelter always waiting

the scent of shade like liquorice,

or homemade lemonade.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few

Off the list of things I turn to

That help me through the blue days

(Which I’m slowly getting used to)

My list is to assist me

In steering to my cheery place

In case I have forgotten

That there are common thing that often…

Make me smile

Reliably

Just knowing they’re there makes life a little better

Just knowing that I could always get a:

Cuppa Tea, Beach Boys CD, Long Hot Bath, Bangers and Mash,

Crisp Clean Sheets, Coronation Street, Daffodils and Chocolate Milk.

Which would reliably

Make me smile

Mileage my vary from mine for you

But it’s fine to make your own one too

An inventory of respite and distraction

That in spite of your mood might provoke a reaction

A catalogue could help to

Subdue your mood and tell you

In case you had forgotten

That there are common thing that often…

Make you smile

Reliably

Just knowing they’re there makes life a little better

Just knowing that you could always get a:

Cappuccino, Tarantino Flick, A Quick Sudoku or Crossword To Go Through

Duvet Day, Lemon Sorbet, Parma Violets or Moments of Quietness.

Which would reliably

Make you smile

A list of things that all have a knack

Of asking nothing back

So I can take ‘em

Or I can leave ‘em

Ignore ‘em

Or ask for ‘em

Just knowing they’re there makes life a little better

Just knowing that I could always get a

Smile

The life is good

When you are happy

Because of love and friends

Nothing in life

Can make you happy

Then being with people

Who loves you and cares about you 

Who can make you happy and having good time with them

But the life couldn’t be better 

If you wont have fun and great time with your friends

Without worries and sad times

An love is everywhere

Where you go

But good life is nothing without supporting friends

Because then we couldn’t get through in hard times  

But life is life 

And everyone have to fight for they happiness

No matter what 

But friends will help you 

So be happy no matter what when you friends are around you

Taking my life,

lots of reasons,

all laid out on paper,

bullet pointed,

then without despair,

wondering what’s next,

I execute my plan

and my life.

Failed, still alive,

a mental health ward.

Then five months later

meds and referrals in hand

I return to my flat,

my bullet point existence.

I try to think of a future,

a ‘still alive’ purpose.

It’s taken a year.

Those meds and referrals,

a cpn, a new flat,

A disabled way of living.

Now calmly thinking forward,

trying not to panic

I fill out a form to volunteer,

a sense of purpose, maybe.

Five months later,

leaving the ward,

staring up at the sun,

and wondering,

‘will my new life

be like my old’.

A year later…

No more suiciding.

A new flat.

Old friends.

New friends.

Volunteering.

I look forward

and I look back.

I think and I over-think.

All I can truly say

is that I’m not better,

but I am recovering.